Cry in My Heart
-Starfield

artist note: "Honesty is all God wants from us. More than our attention, more than our money, more than our time...God is looking for honest responses to the challenges of scripture and the still small voice that reverberates within everyone that knows him. Cry in my heart is my attempt to be honest...truly honest...It's a simple prayer from the heart of a God chaser that struggles with unbelief and doubt...That wants substance, depth and clarity...that has seen and tasted great things – yet still yearns for more...for lasting...for real."

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

running on 36 hours......

watched the movie Ray tonight. Enjoyable, but long. There's something about African American culture that intrigues me. There's something inspirational about the music, about the history, and about the people. Thinkng about African American culture reminds me of the past and how they are an example of hard-hit racism in the U.S. That thought always reminds me that racism isn't over. The fight isn't won. All around me, I hear the remarks and the jokes. I'm guilty of them too. We have become desensitized to the derogatory racist remarks and jesting. A speaker came to one of my classes once and they said that when you don't think something is right, dont encourage it, speak up against it. Will you stop your friend the next time they say something offensive about a group of people?

Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time.
- Chinese Proverb

So now I will tell you the story of my life. Last night I went to sleep the same time I would have gotten up in the morning for school in 9th grade to catch a bus. After casually strolling to class, I arrived at my glorious seat in "class that I can never remember the name of." Listened to several geneology presentations, as well as my professor going off on his soap box for 50 minutes(like every other tuesday and thursday), at the same time studying for the next class. Despite my complete lack of energy, I manage to complete my 50 question test with time to spare and retreat to my room. After a good 50 minutes, I trekked up that wicked hill to GAR. Many thoughts plowed through my head as we discussed "Rabbit in the Moon" but my apathy left me with no remarks and my professors assumption that I "had not viewed the movie," a flaw in the discussion system. Brain dead, I made my jolly way back to Jester and decided it would be wise to treat myself to a nice hot cappuccino, acknowledging that no immedate results come from caffeine consumption. Returning to my room, I immediately plopped into my bed, but no deep slumber came. The cappuccino had worked....and I couldn't fall asleep. The good news? I watched Full House =) haha...did you think I would be sharing something juicy about my life? Having Justine as my roomie is about as juicy as it gets. hehe....*slaps knee*

that's all folks.

life as a sigh........

It's nice to do some writing that gives me a degree of freedom. I've finally been liberated from my five page paper that I stupidly thought was single spaced. Doh. But praise God that it was double spaced or I would have injured myself writing it.

Yesterday, as I was catching up with reading for sociology, I finally read about the 6 degrees of connection. Apparently, something like every sixth person you know allows you to be connected to the rest of the world. I'm always saying that "we're all connected." Now my studies have confirmed this assertion. Just the other weekend, I was talking to someone about who they live with in their appartment and they told me it was their cousin whom I didnt know. The next day I get into the car of this new person that I met from my volunteer place and that was the cousin. talk about small world. Then a while after that, I'm eating at tap house with some of the cool older gals and we run into Toral ....and it turns out that Ruth is her neighbor...who would have thought? So remember everyone is only six degrees from knowing the world =)

I need a professional massage therapist. Ever wake up with a tight neck and back? Yeah...I miss how Isabel use to walk all over my back when she was a baby. I think she's a little too big for that now. She wrote me a letter to tell me she loves me and that she likes it when I bring subway sandwiches to her when I'm home for the holidays. You know, I love being the older sister. Big sisters totally rock.

Remember.......

"For God so loVed the world,

That He gAve

His onLy

BegottEn

SoN

That whosever

Believeth In Him

Should Not perish,

But have Everlasting life."

John 3:16

coincidence? I think not =)

eye of the beholder......

funny how i was naive enough to believe I'd get anything done in this relaxation haven know as my house. Besides all the new years hustle and bust (for those of you who didn't know, chinese new years is actually 15 days long) I haven't really been doing anything productive. I've been taking advantage of wireless internet (which I have back in my room in Austin also). I walk around the house attempting to write a paper on some Asian American topic only to realize that I no longer remember how to write a thesis. How was it I was once able to conjure up a thesis in the time span of one class period? I sit in my living room staring at my computer monitor dumb-founded, unable to make any progress on my paper. sad sad sad....oh what have I become?

I must say that being home in the presence of my family (and chinese food) definitely makes up for my lack of productivity, not to say that such behavior is excused. Whenever I'm at home I always fall asleep without ever remembering I did so. I woke up this morning at around 8 still dressed in the previous days clothing. I recall that occurring quite frequently in high school. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that the home is no longer a place that I can do work in. Coming home is a luxury time of relaxation. Though it is probably in vain that I'm going to attempt to write my paper (after a cat nap...which might last up to 4 hours) it's hardly any trouble to at least try. Afterall, I can't really put my finger on what else there is to do right now, but I know that in this place, I can undoubtedly find something. And the fact that Sunday is the sabbath doesnt really help...after 6 days of toiling after school....I need a nice long break right?

To those of you studious people out there cheers.

i wanna scream at the top of my lungs.......

so lately I've had a lack of inspiration to write for reasons I have yet to discover. A possible answer to this mystery is that I've been watching too much tv. Full House has captured my full attention. It's such a lighthearted show, definitely contrary to the drama of the popular shows today (watched one tree hill tonight....*sigh* ....such a good show gone sour). In some ways, watching Full House is therapeutic for me. After a long day of class, I come back to my room and just lounge arounge, sprawled blobbishly on my bed, switch on the idiot box, and participate in a mindless activity. It is that one hour of tv a day that I cheerish. Ohh...and I watched so much tv today that I even caught Usher on entertainment tv. He's a funny guy...hope to see him in person one of these days....though that may never happen..... the cd will have to suffice for now.

I had a God moment a while back. Actually it was the time of my last post. After my introspection about what it means to be called by God, I prayed and flipped open my devotional and Bible. In my mind I half expected to receive an answer from God that night. To my surprise, that was precisely what happened. The title of my devotion that night was "The Compelling Force of the Call." It's the little incidents like these that refresh my questioning mind. Whenever my heart is heavy I know the Father has answers for me. I also received some emails which I've posted on the "you've got mail" link over to the right. If I dont post here, I most likely post at that site.

I'm tired and about to go to the dean to ask for a vacation, but duty calls and reading is an endless cycle of life currently...it's funny how God answers prayers....I asked to read more and now the reading just wont go away...so now I must go attend to life =)

when the going gets tough the tough gets going.......

so my wonderful roomie and I were having a very interesting conversation and we came across an interesting question.

What does it mean to say "God is calling me to do such and such?" Some people hear God's voice and that seems like the literal definition of being "called," but what about the other people who don't hear his voice audibly? I feel like I've tossed that term in the air quite a bit, and while I'm convicted that I receive callings to do things, what does that really mean? Somehow, it seems like a phrase used to describe this unexplainable emotion or feeling which leads to a conviction or determination to execute some action.

Like Justine said to me, learning what it means to be called by God is a life-long process that we'll discover. I doubt there's a right answer for that. Afterall, God does speak to us in different ways under different circumstances. We just have to listen and obey.